I still write poetry from my heart.That expression that forever bounds me to you,now and always until the end of time, my heart is a open door to YOU.

When you live passionately,you feel like you are filled up with love.I now live over a thousand miles from where I started my journey. I want to see you have and do everything that could make you happy,nothing is guarantee or not.I have learnt to live with the past sad experiences.They are the ones that made me a stronger person and I thank God for it.I have reminded myself that life is too short to let negatives hold me back.Even tho, sometimes it gains a tighter grip on me than i want it to.

I have to admit.Sometimes love comes out of nowhere, other times it’s  a gift from God “just because.” We can’t know what’s around each corner but if we greet love positively,we thrive.The love inside may be struggling in ways we can’t know and not all gifts come with motives.

Some people are frightened of love, because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.No one wants their life thrown into chaos. This is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a life or a structural body, that is already rotten with in,without love.

Keeping Love at bay or surrendering blindly to it – which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?

I know that living a life of love does not mean everything will be perfect all the time.There will be number of obstacles that may stand in my way.Like feeling down or not to feel like putting energy toward someone.Difficult people may come in my way, whom will frustrate or distract me.But. what I know now is I will NOT LET ANYTHING HOLD ME BACK. I will say, I LOVE YOU ALL,WITH,THE BEST OF MY ABILITY!

 

I will rise again, I willl rise, shake off the dust and start again, and though I might return to this place again and again until I get it right, I will face the reality that, I will bleed, I will hurt, I will rise again, stronger and better than before. Such is the cycle of life and love….blessed, broken, and given.

Accepting  is possible when Love is the foundation.

 

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today,because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in midflight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and learn with every goodbye you learn.

 

Whether I can handle the changing seasons of my life and the ongoing reflection of turmoil.And can make it through the whole world crashing down around me,trying to figure out if i can handle losing my mom.The everyday struggle of seeing her in pain.Knowing that she’s yet to face more cancer now after three brain surgeries to remove cancer. She ,also has a mass on her lymph nodes and another surgery coming.Plus,a surgery on her spine, where the radiation has ate her bones from trying to stop the cancer on her brain, to point, they’ve had to remove bones,she cant really move her head well.She hardly talks where u can understand her or capable of eat anything by mouth and i have to feed her threw a tube.

The independent person she was gone and wondering if the next day, just might be her last.I think i sat and cried most the night and felt that i really can’t talk to no one about how i feel.To look at what you love,that’s so dear, slowly dying before you and trying keep it from ripping your heart out.At some point, you realize that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love a person,they leave us.I just can’t face that right now.

I’ve start using all my energy and love,so i can let people know i care about them.The effect of seeing my mom ,so ill, has really made me open my eyes in not taking anyone for granted.

I want to know if the child in my heart can rise above everything that is happening and be able to survive it.I want to know if getting older means being able to get over a loss,because, i do know how nor do i want too.That means letting go of any hope?It’s all i have.And I sure as hell have been afraid of changing.I did kind of build my life around my mom — she is my one constant, the one ,I could always turn to.When everyone else has not been there for me.I’m pondering the avalanche of everything that is crashing down on me…at this moment, my life truly feels like a landslide in many ways.

“Well I’ve been afraid of changin’ because I’ve built my life around you”

Love is an amazing feeling that makes you alive.Love is true, when it is from the Truth.Love is a wish,when it is from strong hopes.Love is beautiful, when it is from a pure heart.Love is your need, when it’s from someone who loves you.Love exist since the very beginning of time and will exist after time.Love is God.Love is what you are,who you are,what you share with others,even if’s just a smile.Even just a word,even just a look…

When you share love,you call on LOVE…

What is love?…It’s just endless..

There is no fear in love.Love is not an affection which produces fear..If a man had perfect love,he would have no fear of anything for what would he have to dread?It is guilt that makes people fear what is to come. He who fills his whole heart with love,he is filling it in the whole purpose of what God intend for us ,from the beginning of time. With the love of God, no one has nothing to dread in this world.Perfect love castes out fear that is, love completes who you are and if allowed to exert its proper influence on the soul,it’s tendency is to deliver the mind from alarms and all fear.If it should be in your soul it’s in an absolutely perfect state,that soul would be entirely free from all dread in regarding what may come.

Through this new journey of life,I learned to appreciate the things that made me who I am.It most diffidently was LOVE.When I love, i love with my whole heart and without fear.Lots don’t understand that about me.I embraced my who i am and build on my strengths.Love has taught me that .This enabled me to determine my self-worth.You have to know your self-worth.What you are willing to accept/not accept,and never settle,especially in love.Love is something worth fighting for.But,it’s also letting ourselves be vulnerable.Getting swept up in the moment and being totally honest with one another.It’s not hidden behind games nor self-serving,Love is never boastful,nor conceited,nor rude. It is not self-seeking….Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place.We must stop hiding behind fear and let our souls crawl out…Surround yourself with LOVE and TRUST, and conquer the thoughts of living a life full of fear and doubt.

“In a word, there are three things that last forever:Faith, hope, and love;But the greatest of them all is love.”

–1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is a leap of fate and sometimes you just have to jump.

I’ll always jump for love and let the chips fall were they may..

Love is safe.
It crawls up and delivers all you want it to.
It makes believers dream even harder.
It’s truth.
And the ability to forgive.
It becomes the very thing, we all want it to.
If we really pay attention to it.
It’s the most important thing we all feel and have.
It’s not love that fails, but us humans,
who tend to fall in and out of love,
when it should be kept dear to us at all times.

And if you let it…LOVE conquers all.

I believe that when we leave a place, a part of it goes with us and part of us remains.After a while we hear the echoes of all of our every thought and word we’ve exchanged.Long after we are gone, our hearts will linger in this place threw people.But, I will admit that the part of me that is staying, will very much miss, the part of you that has gone.

I keep reminding myself,why i’m not loved,
the way I deserved YOU to love me.
I keep telling myself, the day will come,
when you’ll save me.

But, you’ve just continue to stare at my wounds,
and wonder how to stop the bleeding.

I keep hoping.That doesn’t get us any nearer,
maybe my heart will stop dying,if i tell you.

I count my heartache each day and pretend,that
i’m not still just that burden on your back.

Just when my heart starts to heal,another memory of you,
punctures my heart and leaves a hole.
I’m tired of everything around me echoing you.

My heart keeps wilting away.

Being concerned about what other people think and opinions are the concern’s of a lot of people…But,for me this is not something that concern’s me.I don’t hide nothing about me.I don’t hide behind a mask of perfection nor do i try to.What is there to hide?That i was abused kid growing up?

Now,why would i give a good care what others think of me?Do i care?Let’s see.NO…That almost makes me chuckle wholeheartedly,because,i can’t care what others think.It robs me.It’s not that I want to stop caring what others think or feel at all.I think it’s good to not offend others,and it’s good to empathize with others feelings.I can’t go around hurting myself in the process of letting others judgments effect my life..

I have fought threw a lot things in my life,to be standing on a pillar of love and saying, hey ,i’m suffering in life.But,i’m overcoming the pass and headed in the right direction, with love in my heart.People will always try to hold you to what you once was in the pass and keep judging for it.At times i do,but i realize i do and don’t want to. Sometimes, i come across that way and really it’s not the truth in who i am,it’s farther from it.

Ever notice those few people that DONT care what people think about them are the ones that people make fun of?(I’ve been made fun a lot in life and society looks down on me).Because,i’m dyslexic( a lot think me stupid and retard)the list could go on and on of my faults.Everyone dictating what i should do and be in my life.You know the people the ones”YOU” think are SO different,like me.The one that just don’t fit into “SOCIETIES NORMS”..They are the ones who actually have it right..

I think that lots follow the “trends” in society,so,that they can fit in.We just tell our self’s no matter how much these jeans are cutting off our circulation,right now,at least we look cute!Right?!WRONG!You all just look alike!But those FEW people who choose to stand out,people judge them.And you have no idea who they are.I choose to be different!UNIQUE!Isn’t that how God made us?He made us UNIQUE!He made us ALL different so we would be able to express our self’s.Not sit around and worry about what others think.If we follow after what everyone thinks.Would you be unique Or a flock of sheep..???

Recently, I have faced a lot of problems in my life.Its been very gloomy here at times.For the most part of my life,it has been sadness and been unbearable.Fighting my struggles and recovering from a abusive childhood, coupled  with my family situations,all packing more load to my unhappiness.

I was hurt so badly by family, i took it to heart and held onto it.Who wouldn’t?I’ve had hatred for them, for what they did to me for  many years,in the pass,I just wanted to know why so badly in how and why they abuse me like they did.If they ever had truly cared for me but use me.Every sense I was abused, I have felt I was ugly.They made me feel like I was ugly and unloved.For years, I went on and on fighting my demons and battles ,struggling threw  trying to live a normal life.Asking the whys.Being afriad living with the nightmares….

But,I only now  pity  my family and try not to load my mind with questions,that will NEVER be answered…

Anger always comes first.Anger wasn’t going to make it change,any more than it was going to make me change.It was fury that made me be in my pass state.I know that anger was causing me more damage than it’s worth,.I realised that the anger that I felt so strongly had been my own demises.But,the deep sorrow comes rushing in afterwards and sadness replaces the feeling of hate, despite I wanted to be happy.I had to let something that didn’t need to be there go.I’m trying to find true happiness that is beyond my pass.My life is slowly becoming mine again.Freedom from tyranny that is my family.

So much of how life is based with our reason and coping mechanisms.My coping mechanisms, I used to get me threw a abused life and that situation,I carry that habit through permanently not realising how inappropriate it was, now carring it to new situations,but stubbornly  have held onto it.I do need to heal from this and let go.I would be well on my way to being in control of the mess which is my life.Sometimes,i do feel i am alone and feel the weigh of the burden on me from ,what I suffered  it going to take time to heal from it…

Letting go of something and forgetting is not the most easiest of things to do in life.Trying to forget because you will end up remembering what you are supposed to be forgetting.We have joyful and happy moments in life.But,there is always suffering ready to crush it ,if we let it.. like everything in life, I grow,learn and all things  we can get pass.