You know,I was thinking, maybe it’s wrong to repress that part of me that I don’t like about myself.We all have an ideal in our head an ideal of who we want to be, but for whatever reason,sometimes don’t quite measure up to.
I imagine starting over,where no one knows me,there are no boundaries yet,no reasons to complain,no prejudices yet.It’s not that there are no walls, because wherever I go, I have my own walls of defense that I build up from the start of anything dating back to my childhood foundation and we all have these walls. So, let’s say I also have certain ways of thinking, being, acting, complaining, that I’m trying not to fall back into since my last ‘learning experience’ where I decided that I wouldn’t repeat certain behavior patterns when I started new.
So here I am,all new,and I realize in the newness of it all that the same insecurities within feed the same walls and then maybe I try to repress my feelings about it in order to be this better ideal version of myself,maybe this new ideal version of myself wants me not to complain,because,I want to be appreciative of what I have,I don’t want to think negative,I don’t want to waste my words,I think silence is better,humility is better.So ,I stifle this part of me,but then what happens?We ain’t perfect,so eventually,we’re gonna explode.I try to rip it out of life.I think it has a lot to do with apart of my life that i associate with abuse.
Every day we all make good and bad decisions and then,by the grace of God,we are given a new day ,a new chance to make decisions.I do think it is about our actions.One should not just think it is ok to do bad things,I think it is about Love and doing the right thing..God makes all things new for us.Yet, I tie myself to dirt by digging up my own faults and then beating myself up with them.I ask myself why am I sitting on the perfect pedestal i’ve created,i don’t hold anyone else to it…
Yes,i get angered by all the negativity that is put forth to me.Yes,i get tired of some people using me over and over again.I get tired of having no nurturing vibes that are close to me.Negativity has rip all of the love from me before, until i had nothing left.I dare not let anyone rip that from me again,not even my family.Sometimes,i do think i wouldn’t let anyone close.But,do i think they are perfect.NO.Do i have hate in my heart or even bitterness?NO.Maybe, still just hurt.
