Love is an amazing feeling that makes you alive.Love is true, when it is from the Truth.Love is a wish,when it is from strong hopes.Love is beautiful, when it is from a pure heart.Love is your need, when it’s from someone who loves you.Love exist since the very beginning of time and will exist after time.Love is God.Love is what you are,who you are,what you share with others,even if’s just a smile.Even just a word,even just a look…

When you share love,you call on LOVE…

What is love?…It’s just endless..

There is no fear in love.Love is not an affection which produces fear..If a man had perfect love,he would have no fear of anything for what would he have to dread?It is guilt that makes people fear what is to come. He who fills his whole heart with love,he is filling it in the whole purpose of what God intend for us ,from the beginning of time. With the love of God, no one has nothing to dread in this world.Perfect love castes out fear that is, love completes who you are and if allowed to exert its proper influence on the soul,it’s tendency is to deliver the mind from alarms and all fear.If it should be in your soul it’s in an absolutely perfect state,that soul would be entirely free from all dread in regarding what may come.

Through this new journey of life,I learned to appreciate the things that made me who I am.It most diffidently was LOVE.When I love, i love with my whole heart and without fear.Lots don’t understand that about me.I embraced my who i am and build on my strengths.Love has taught me that .This enabled me to determine my self-worth.You have to know your self-worth.What you are willing to accept/not accept,and never settle,especially in love.Love is something worth fighting for.But,it’s also letting ourselves be vulnerable.Getting swept up in the moment and being totally honest with one another.It’s not hidden behind games nor self-serving,Love is never boastful,nor conceited,nor rude. It is not self-seeking….Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place.We must stop hiding behind fear and let our souls crawl out…Surround yourself with LOVE and TRUST, and conquer the thoughts of living a life full of fear and doubt.

“In a word, there are three things that last forever:Faith, hope, and love;But the greatest of them all is love.”

–1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is a leap of fate and sometimes you just have to jump.

I’ll always jump for love and let the chips fall were they may..

Love is safe.
It crawls up and delivers all you want it to.
It makes believers dream even harder.
It’s truth.
And the ability to forgive.
It becomes the very thing, we all want it to.
If we really pay attention to it.
It’s the most important thing we all feel and have.
It’s not love that fails, but us humans,
who tend to fall in and out of love,
when it should be kept dear to us at all times.

And if you let it…LOVE conquers all.

I believe that when we leave a place, a part of it goes with us and part of us remains.After a while we hear the echoes of all of our every thought and word we’ve exchanged.Long after we are gone, our hearts will linger in this place threw people.But, I will admit that the part of me that is staying, will very much miss, the part of you that has gone.

I keep reminding myself,why i’m not loved,
the way I deserved YOU to love me.
I keep telling myself, the day will come,
when you’ll save me.

But, you’ve just continue to stare at my wounds,
and wonder how to stop the bleeding.

I keep hoping.That doesn’t get us any nearer,
maybe my heart will stop dying,if i tell you.

I count my heartache each day and pretend,that
i’m not still just that burden on your back.

Just when my heart starts to heal,another memory of you,
punctures my heart and leaves a hole.
I’m tired of everything around me echoing you.

My heart keeps wilting away.

Being concerned about what other people think and opinions are the concern’s of a lot of people…But,for me this is not something that concern’s me.I don’t hide nothing about me.I don’t hide behind a mask of perfection nor do i try to.What is there to hide?That i was abused kid growing up?

Now,why would i give a good care what others think of me?Do i care?Let’s see.NO…That almost makes me chuckle wholeheartedly,because,i can’t care what others think.It robs me.It’s not that I want to stop caring what others think or feel at all.I think it’s good to not offend others,and it’s good to empathize with others feelings.I can’t go around hurting myself in the process of letting others judgments effect my life..

I have fought threw a lot things in my life,to be standing on a pillar of love and saying, hey ,i’m suffering in life.But,i’m overcoming the pass and headed in the right direction, with love in my heart.People will always try to hold you to what you once was in the pass and keep judging for it.At times i do,but i realize i do and don’t want to. Sometimes, i come across that way and really it’s not the truth in who i am,it’s farther from it.

Ever notice those few people that DONT care what people think about them are the ones that people make fun of?(I’ve been made fun a lot in life and society looks down on me).Because,i’m dyslexic( a lot think me stupid and retard)the list could go on and on of my faults.Everyone dictating what i should do and be in my life.You know the people the ones”YOU” think are SO different,like me.The one that just don’t fit into “SOCIETIES NORMS”..They are the ones who actually have it right..

I think that lots follow the “trends” in society,so,that they can fit in.We just tell our self’s no matter how much these jeans are cutting off our circulation,right now,at least we look cute!Right?!WRONG!You all just look alike!But those FEW people who choose to stand out,people judge them.And you have no idea who they are.I choose to be different!UNIQUE!Isn’t that how God made us?He made us UNIQUE!He made us ALL different so we would be able to express our self’s.Not sit around and worry about what others think.If we follow after what everyone thinks.Would you be unique Or a flock of sheep..???

Recently, I have faced a lot of problems in my life.Its been very gloomy here at times.For the most part of my life,it has been sadness and been unbearable.Fighting my struggles and recovering from a abusive childhood, coupled  with my family situations,all packing more load to my unhappiness.

I was hurt so badly by family, i took it to heart and held onto it.Who wouldn’t?I’ve had hatred for them, for what they did to me for  many years,in the pass,I just wanted to know why so badly in how and why they abuse me like they did.If they ever had truly cared for me but use me.Every sense I was abused, I have felt I was ugly.They made me feel like I was ugly and unloved.For years, I went on and on fighting my demons and battles ,struggling threw  trying to live a normal life.Asking the whys.Being afriad living with the nightmares….

But,I only now  pity  my family and try not to load my mind with questions,that will NEVER be answered…

Anger always comes first.Anger wasn’t going to make it change,any more than it was going to make me change.It was fury that made me be in my pass state.I know that anger was causing me more damage than it’s worth,.I realised that the anger that I felt so strongly had been my own demises.But,the deep sorrow comes rushing in afterwards and sadness replaces the feeling of hate, despite I wanted to be happy.I had to let something that didn’t need to be there go.I’m trying to find true happiness that is beyond my pass.My life is slowly becoming mine again.Freedom from tyranny that is my family.

So much of how life is based with our reason and coping mechanisms.My coping mechanisms, I used to get me threw a abused life and that situation,I carry that habit through permanently not realising how inappropriate it was, now carring it to new situations,but stubbornly  have held onto it.I do need to heal from this and let go.I would be well on my way to being in control of the mess which is my life.Sometimes,i do feel i am alone and feel the weigh of the burden on me from ,what I suffered  it going to take time to heal from it…

Letting go of something and forgetting is not the most easiest of things to do in life.Trying to forget because you will end up remembering what you are supposed to be forgetting.We have joyful and happy moments in life.But,there is always suffering ready to crush it ,if we let it.. like everything in life, I grow,learn and all things  we can get pass.

You know,I was thinking, maybe it’s wrong to repress that part of me that I don’t like about myself.We all have an ideal in our head an ideal of who we want to be, but for whatever reason,sometimes don’t quite measure up to.

I imagine starting over,where no one knows me,there are no boundaries yet,no reasons to complain,no prejudices yet.It’s not that there are no walls, because wherever I go, I have my own walls of defense that I build up from the start of anything dating back to my childhood foundation and we all have these walls. So, let’s say I also have certain ways of thinking, being, acting, complaining, that I’m trying not to fall back into since my last ‘learning experience’ where I decided that I wouldn’t repeat certain behavior patterns when I started new.

So here I am,all new,and I realize in the newness of it all that the same insecurities within feed the same walls and then maybe I try to repress my feelings about it in order to be this better ideal version of myself,maybe this new ideal version of myself wants me not to complain,because,I want to be appreciative of what I have,I don’t want to think negative,I don’t want to waste my words,I think silence is better,humility is better.So ,I stifle this part of me,but then what happens?We ain’t perfect,so eventually,we’re gonna explode.I try to rip it out of life.I think it has a lot to do with apart of my life that i associate with abuse.

Every day we all make good and bad decisions and then,by the grace of God,we are given a new day ,a new chance to make decisions.I do think it is about our actions.One should not just think it is ok to do bad things,I think it is about Love and doing the right thing..God makes all things new for us.Yet, I tie myself to dirt by digging up my own faults and then beating myself up with them.I ask myself why am I sitting on the perfect pedestal i’ve created,i don’t hold anyone else to it…

Yes,i get angered by all the negativity that is put forth to me.Yes,i get tired of some people using me over and over again.I get tired of having no nurturing vibes that are close to me.Negativity has rip all of the love from me before, until i had nothing left.I dare not let anyone rip that from me again,not even my family.Sometimes,i do think i wouldn’t let anyone close.But,do i think they are perfect.NO.Do i have hate in my heart or even bitterness?NO.Maybe, still just hurt.

I recently made a decision and it’s been a hard one for me.It’s been a on going progress for the last two years.I have had to LET GO of a paradigm where I am the big strong knight in shining armour,the strong one(I KNOW THAT’S STRANGE FOR A FEMALE) and gently embrace my own fragile self.Even tho I hate to show my weakness and say i’m not strong.I’ve held on so tightly to the past at times in my life,that it hurt.But,that was caused by fear.I don’t really understand why i did, due to the fact that my life wasn’t enjoyable,in holding onto to it for so long.I guess once you lived  in child abuse,it seems you can never let go of it. And fine the love in your heart.

But,lately i’ve been letting go of those old memories,of course they’re still with me.But,i’m not living with them no more,I held on to so much that i stop living or even caring.I just have to let go and set myself free,allow myself to find myself again and let go of my demons.This has meant that I have had to change the way I view myself and life in general.I have had to let go of a lot of things and realize what really matters to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget what happened.I’m not judging any actions.That is not up to me.But,I let go of the burden,misery,and shame.I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life.I forgive what you all did.In forgiving,I let go.I have such a clear understanding of who I want to be and don’t want to be.If it wasn’t for what i went threw,I wouldn’t understand what hate,bitterness,pain and sorrow really feels like,and what it did to me.It turned into everything i was not.In a lot of ways, even tho it might be strange, i learned from being abused in my childhood.And now know, i refuse to let memories haunt my dreams and life.The connection between you the abuser and I is no longer there.I am free of my pain. So, I’ve let go of the chains,and now it’s time to move on.

I’m going to address one of my problems,I have a few like any normal human being.This is something that i will dip deep into addressing into the subject, with a lot of openness.This blog is for me, not my family and they might not like it.But, this is about me healing and finding love in my heart,even for those that have hurt me.I have nothing to hide about my pass it has changed me, into the loving soul, i am now without any regrets..

I generally cant say “No” to people.There have been times when I’ve said ,yes, to so many things, that i should of said “No” to. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings intentionally and never try.I ‘m not one that rolls with the crowd in things.I’m the last person to conform to idea’s, that don’t sit right with me, so when people try to convince me to do somethings.I normally choose my own path or way.Not because i’m difficult ,but because I have my own way i go about things and approach on life.I’ve learned in my few years here on earth.In my opinion, the whole thing comes down to the fact, that I don’t want to hurt people,or even worse, I don’t want to make waves of negativity,raise my voice or become angered.When I do, i lose sight of who i am…But, i still have a problem of saying NO.

Some might think it would be no problem to say ,”no “when we really have to.It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.I know what it is like to really need help or feel like life is hopeless and have no one to turn to for help.Though, I try to differenciate between those who really do need help and those that are using me.I don’t want to say no all the time.But,i need to be more honest.

It’s not that i’m dwelling on the pass.I’m no longer angered at the “persons” that have done me harm and wrong.And my bitterness has been gone from my heart for quiet a while now,love has replaced it.But,my struggles are still there in dealing with the issues of how it effected me, in certain parts of my life and where it’s coming from.

NO!!I do not want my pass to have a negative effect on me.!No.No.No.No…

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may.We ourselves must walk the path of LOVE.”

“If you want to be sad, no one in the world can make you happy. But if you make up your mind to be happy, no one and nothing on earth can take that happiness from you.”Yogananda

By complaining we give away our power to whomever or whatever it is we’re complaining about. I think most people want to be around positive and happy people. I do not want people to think that I am trying to point out negativity.But,i’m pointing out my frustrations with myself.I noticed when something happens that is out of my control, I tend to become anxious and complain a lot.More so now,that my mom is going threw brain cancer.So much of the process of her treatment is out my control.Also,me trying everything and turning over every rock financially to be there with her,has made me frustrated and very unhappy.

At times venting just feels good sometimes,but I really think it sounds like negative dribble coming out of my mouth, and mostly it leaves me feeling unhappy,and venting toward and at the wrong person.I guess we all need to take time to look within ourselves.And feel we don’t want to limit ourselves and feel like we cannot vent.Venting is good sometimes but depends on the ways we do it.That the venting leaves us feeling, we can just let it go,that somethings are out our control.

We all have to realize what’s important,realize what we have, and understand that complaining isn’t going to fix anything. If we don’t like it, we gotta change it, and if we can’t change it,then we’ve got to move on.Being happy in negative situations is quite difficult to achieve.My mom only has one life and it’s a short one at that.The more i come to the realization that cancer will take her from me.The more each day that’s spent being miserable or frustrated in situations, I have no control over, is a day wasted,a day that could’ve been spent doing something enjoyable with my mom,making a lasting memory.

I LOVE YOU MOM.

I don’t know when, or how, but somewhere,sometime it was “decided” that some things were “pretty” and some things were “ugly”.The worst thing is, lots follow these rules. A lot abide to the fact that having a different thing about themselves is supposedly to be “lame”.

I often think to the story by Hans Christian Andersen-The Ugly Duckling.Why someone always made me feel like the ugly ducking,that the story fitted me.(it doesn’t )…:)But,I “supposedly” in their eyes i’m not the beautiful swan.Well as far as they think.But,i am that swan and it was from the outside and in my heart.Hurts that they failed to realize it.What a fool they were…

When you start to really know and open your heart to love,you discover that, regardless of the way things might seem.They come closely to fitting your notion of beauty.The things you love become more beautiful and attractive than anyone or thing in the world.That ugliness that you once seen,you figured out, that it came from your heart.And love made you see that beauty,in more ways then one.It did for me.Your not a ugly duckling to me.So,stop making me feel like i am.Maybe,you don’t realize it…

Everyone is beautiful in certain ways,if you look from your heart and take time to notice.